remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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