The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
