summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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