Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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