You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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