I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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