Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The ass gains better be worth it
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