70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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