oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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