girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
