I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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