Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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