'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
