Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
