Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
