The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
