I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
