Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
