oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
