Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
