My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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