Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
