I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
