areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
