hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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