...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
