Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
