This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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