What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she told me i tasted like america
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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