The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
