he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
