my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
