Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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