dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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