i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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