i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
