I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
