I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
