You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
