Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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