That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
