I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
