if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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