its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
