this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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