I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
