I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
