After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
