Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You ruined the universe
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
