i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
