You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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