I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
