"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
