I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize