Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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