his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
