I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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