Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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