I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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