I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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