The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
