God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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