God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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