I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
