In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
