They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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