got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
