if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
