Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
