1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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